I recently listened to the podcast That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs when Annie interviewed singer Lauren Daigle. (It’s a great episode!) Lauren said something that would have resonated with 25-year-old me. Here’s a rough transcript of their conversation:
Lauren: “I have been struggling with: am I still the same person that I was when I started this? . . . There is a deep-seated . . . a deep longing or a deep sorrow of letting go of the past. . . . I’m good when it comes to the future but not if it’s at stake of the past. And so I wrestle all the time with: am I still that girl that I was . . .?” Annie says, “Why do you want to be her?” Lauren replies, “I think because I’ve always perceived her as the best version of myself.”
That. Was. Me. For years I was concerned that I was losing myself. The college Jana. Even the high school me. There were parts of those versions of me I really liked and didn’t want to lose; but, as time passed, some parts of me faded. It scared and grieved me. My heart went out to Ms. Daigle as she shared her similar fears.
I know it’s not true for everyone, but perhaps some of us identity-grieve as part of the natural progression of our late teens and 20’s. In that phase of life, we tend to quickly move from high school to further schooling or career, to marriage and family and house buying and building a grown-up life for ourselves. What a whirlwind it can be! No wonder our identities flounder a bit.
I remember feeling a bit frantic in my 20’s, worrying about the old Jana. Where was she? Would I ever be her again? I wasn’t sure I knew or liked the new me emerging. I wanted the familiar. As I listened to Lauren Daigle share, all of the old feelings came flooding back. But, to my amazement, I realized I haven’t had those thoughts in years. I haven’t missed the old Jana in a long time. This 33-year-old self is actually pretty content where she is today–and this realization made me so very grateful.
Back in my 20’s, I didn’t realize I was still changing and growing and learning and morphing into me. And you know what? That process is ongoing today! In my almost-mid-30’s, I’m still becoming. Only now I am more settled in the becoming. Instead of fearing the process, I am learning to lean into how Jesus desires to increase my maturity and what He might teach me as the years pass.
This is the beauty of a human soul: the ability to learn and to expand. I will not be the same Jana when I am 40, and for that I am truly grateful. I hope I am a more gracious, hopeful, and loving version of myself. I hope I am more like Jesus.
But for right now, I’m thankful I’m no longer looking for the old Jana.
I’m thankful I’m okay with just being me.
