After we received the news that two biological parents appealed the judges termination decision, I was completely devastated. Thirty plus months into the case, three months of hard waiting, and here we jumped into another waiting game. The timeline looked like this: in December 2017, the judge terminated biological parental rights. At the very last minute in January 2018, two biological parents appealed that decision (which is their legal right, but doesn’t happen too often in foster cases). Therefore, the case was sent to the Indiana Court of Appeals, who usually take 6-12 months to make their decision via paper trial (no actual live hearings–they’re just looking at all of the files from the entire foster case). The appeals court could either uphold the judge’s termination and then the parents could appeal to the Indiana Supreme Court. Or they could revoke the decision and then the foster case would literally start over again. I could hardly bear to think through all of these what-ifs.
My outside demeanor probably still seemed upbeat and peaceful but inside I was Done with a capital D. At the time I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but a little part of my heart closed off. I no longer had hope left to dream about the case ending positively or about an adoption party or about a future with five children. I set aside all of those wonderful little dreams that had kept me going for 2 1/2 years. It was all too painful. Too unknown.
Journal entry from March 18, 2018
Yesterday, I saw a picture of a foster support group friend–it was her profile picture of her family on adoption day with the judge. And I had a quick thought of–will I ever have that profile picture? Then I had a literal physical reaction, my stomach knotted up, and then fell–and I couldn’t muster up the courage to think: yes, someday. And it was a sad feeling. I think my hope has been trampled a little bit. I used to dream about adoption day and the party and dedicating them but I don’t anymore. It’s just too hard, too long, too sad.
Have I really stopped hoping?
Almost, anymore, I feel like it’s just never going to happen. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Surely that’s just going to keep happening. Probably one of them will appeal to the [Indiana] Supreme Court and we’ll be in battles for years. This is where my brain goes now. Mostly I think it’s protective. I felt so devastated after they all appealed and sort of just gave up hoping. It’s too hard, too long, too sad for my heart.
Such an ache. Deep within. . . . Do I have any hope? I was asking myself that last night. Maybe I don’t have any hope left for our case. But I think I do have hope in God still. “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5). A cognitive, intentional effort: PUT your hope. And “yet praise”–no matter if the situation seems hopeless, my hope firmly placed in the right place results in overflowing praise.
So many things in this life are filled with wonderful lowercase hope–the next exciting season, new babies, wedding plans, springtime flowers, beach vacations, and the pursuit of good dreams. Yet these hopes are shallow and transient at best, and will disappoint or utterly fail at worst. Last winter when everything crumbled, devastated was the best word to describe the state of my heart. Lowercase hope left me: I couldn’t dream anymore and there was no more hope left for our foster-to-adopt case. But I still had such deep Hope in God. My soul continued to hold fast to Jesus and refused to let go of uppercase Hope–unshaken certainty in God Himself. When I couldn’t bear to look toward the future and what might happen, I chose to turn all of my attention to Jesus. He could bear the weight of my sorrow in the present and was sufficient Hope for whatever was to come. All glory to God! Jesus is sufficient and fully capable of being more than enough Hope for us. Always.
