When we started fostering about ten years ago, sibling groups weren’t even on my radar. I guess I really didn’t think it through . . . what it would be like for siblings to be separated in the foster care system.
We helped out with foster respite for multiple sibling groups over the years: three brothers, a brother with two sisters, a brother/sister duo, and two sets of brother/brother duos. But it wasn’t until our precious three came that I truly started to grasp how important it was to fight to keep siblings together if at all possible.
Their biological bond is real and strong and beautiful. And they are in a family . . . together . . . for the rest of their lives!
What also amazes me? Just as real and true is the adopted sibling bond. Our five have lived together for over six years now and they really truly love each other. They are such good friends and playmates (with the usual sibling disagreements thrown in for good measure).
This is love. Biological and adopted love. Forever family love.
I wonder who she gets the squished-up-nose smile from. I wonder who he gets his silly goofiness from. I wonder who she gets her amazing red hair from.
Birth family. It’s one of those important but uncertain adoption topics. Even though we’re a couple of years into this, the topic of birth family is still hard to navigate. Our children’s birth families live far away (some even overseas!) which complicates things even more. But I have gleaned a few truths over the years.
🚲 Keep communication open. Let the topic of birth family flow in and out of natural conversation. Even if it doesn’t FEEL natural, take a deep breath, pray, and then ACT like it’s the most natural thing in the world to talk about giving birth mom hugs and answering half sibling wonderings and looking at birth grandma’s Facebook page and chatting about old memories of grandpa.
🚲 Error on the side of openness. It’s such a complicated dance between protection and safety vs. contact and connection. And I’m still growing in this. At a retreat I attended last year, a placing mama shared her story of heartbreaking forced no-contact with her birth son instigated by his adoptive family. It stirred deep compassion and challenged me to think again about being open for contact with biological family.
🚲 Learn from adoptees. Do your very best to listen to their perspective with an open heart, even if it’s hard. Hearing their stories is helpful as we try to help our adopted children learn to live their own stories with honesty and bravery.
Really, we’re just making this up as we go, since each situation and each child will be unique. With constant prayer for wisdom, of course! “Whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: ‘This is the way. Walk in it'” (Is. 30:21). May Jesus help us to find a good and healing way forward for our precious children, honoring their love of both adopted and birth families.
